When you separate and have minor children, it is mandatory to draw up a parenting plan. This plan helps to make arrangements about the care and upbringing of the children after the divorce. The purpose of a parenting plan is to ensure that both parents continue to jointly bear responsibility for the children even after the divorce. In this article, we explain what a parenting plan is, which arrangements must be included, and how you can draw it up.
What is a parenting plan?
A parenting plan is a document in which parents who are separating record agreements about the care, upbringing, and contact with their children. The plan has been mandatory since 2009 for parents who are divorcing and have minor children. The aim is to promote communication between parents and prevent conflicts by making agreements in advance about how the children will be raised.
Although it is not mandatory to see the children equally often, it remains important that both parents maintain access to the children and remain responsible for their well-being.
Does my child have a say in the living arrangements?
Parents often wonder whether their child can choose for themselves who they will live with after the divorce. In practice, this depends on various factors, such as the child’s age and opinion.Children from about 12 years old in the Netherlands have a greater say in the contact arrangement; their wishes are taken seriously when drafting the parenting plan. However, this does not mean that the child can decide entirely on their own. The final arrangements are still made by the parents together, sometimes in consultation with a mediator or via the court when they cannot reach an agreement.For younger children, their feelings and wishes are usually discussed by the parents, possibly supported by, for example, the Kindertelefoon or the Centrum voor Jeugd en Gezin. It is important to communicate openly about this and to put the child’s best interests first.Is your child asking to live with one parent? Then it is wise to keep the conversation going and coordinate together as smoothly as possible on what is in the child’s best interests.
Involving children in the parenting plan
Involving your child in drawing up the parenting plan is not only desirable, but in many cases even required. This means that you engage in a conversation with your child about his or her wishes and feelings regarding the new living situation. Children from about 6 years old can often already express clearly what they find important. By talking together, space is created for their opinion and they feel taken seriously in the process. Of course, as a parent you always determine what is feasible and appropriate for your child’s age and character.
Parenting plan: 5 Important Agreements
When drawing up a parenting plan, a number of important topics must be addressed. These agreements are essential to properly arrange the care and upbringing of the children after the separation:
- Care and contact arrangement: Make agreements about the amount of contact between the parents and the children. This includes determining the days and times when the children are with which parent, as well as the division of care and parenting tasks.
- Drop-off and pick-up: Ensure clear agreements about who drops off and picks up the children and at what times this happens.
- Arrangements for special days and vacations: Think about agreements for birthdays, holidays, and vacations. Who looks after the children at which times?
- Decision-making: Agree on how you will make important decisions together, such as medical care, school choices, religious upbringing, and other crucial matters.
For school matters, think not only about choosing a school, but also about practical arrangements such as:
- sharing school information (for example, report cards and newsletters)
- attending parent-teacher meetings
- support with homework
- who the point of contact is in emergencies
If your child is not yet attending school, it is wise to make arrangements now for the future. This prevents misunderstandings and provides clarity when the time comes.
- Finances and child support: Record the agreements about the costs of raising the children, such as child support. Specify who pays which amounts and who bears the financial responsibility.
In addition to these five points, other agreements can be included that are specific to your situation. For example, agreements about medication, contact with family, or even ground rules such as the child not smoking in exchange for support with driving lessons.
Can a parenting plan be modified?
A parenting plan is not a static document—it can and may be modified when circumstances change. For example, a move, changed working hours, or when children get older and have different needs. It is wise to include in the parenting plan that you will evaluate together at set times whether the agreements still fit the situation.If you cannot work it out together or there is disagreement about the details of the plan, decide in advance how you will handle this—for example, by agreeing to talk together first or (if necessary) to involve a mediator. This ensures that the parenting plan continues to align with your life and that of the children.
Agreements on modifying the parenting plan when circumstances change
Situations can change—perhaps your working hours change, one of the parents moves, or one of the children needs extra support. It is wise to make agreements in the parenting plan in advance about how you will deal with such changes.For example, record that you evaluate the parenting plan at set times, such as every year or every six months. This allows you to check together whether the agreements made still fit the new situation and whether adjustments are needed.It is also useful to describe what you will do if you cannot quite work it out together. For example, agree that in that case you will first have a conversation together. Still not able to resolve it? Then you can include that you will enlist the help of a mediator, as happens with many families after a divorce. In this way, the parenting plan remains a living document that evolves with your life and that of your children.
What if you can’t reach agreements?
Sometimes you’re not on the same page and you can’t make good agreements together. This can be quite frustrating, especially when you want to arrange what’s best for the children. Fortunately, there are several steps you can take to still create a parenting plan.
- Seek help from a mediator
A mediator is an impartial intermediary who helps conduct conversations and look for solutions both parents can agree on. Mediation can often prevent a lot of conflict and make it possible to reach agreements together without going to court. - Seek advice from a lawyer or legal professional
If mediation doesn’t work either, a lawyer or specialized family-law legal professional can offer a solution. They will think through the options with you, inform you about your rights and obligations, and can even negotiate on your behalf. - Involve the court
As a last resort, you can ask the court to make the decision. The court will take the child’s best interests as the starting point and will determine how care and contact are arranged when parents cannot reach an agreement.
Remember: the starting point is always your children’s well-being. By seeking help in time, you can prevent a lot of stress and uncertainty—for you and for the children.
Agreements about traveling abroad with your child
If you are considering traveling abroad with your child, it is wise to make clear agreements about this in the parenting plan. Think not only about the vacation destination and travel dates, but also arrange who manages the passport and how consent to travel with your child is recorded.Often both parents need to give consent for an international trip, especially if you are traveling alone with the child. For example, agree on:
- How and when consent is granted for international travel.
- Which parent is responsible for applying for and keeping the passport.
- What the procedure is for unexpected changes, for example if one parent wants to go away with the child on short notice.
- How contact is maintained during the trip.
With these agreements, you avoid misunderstandings and ensure that traveling abroad goes smoothly for everyone.
What should I do if my child is not yet attending school?
Do you have a young child who is not yet going to school? Even in this situation, it is wise to already make arrangements for the period when your child will start going to school. By thinking ahead and already taking into account school hours, vacations and what drop-off and pick-up will look like, you prevent uncertainty and possible discussions in the future. This way, you lay a solid foundation together so that the transition to primary school goes smoothly – for you and your child.
Co-parenting plan
If you decide to opt for co-parenting, this must be specifically included in the parenting plan. With co-parenting, both parents contribute equally to the care and upbringing of the children. The agreements in a co-parenting plan focus on the division of care, such as changeover days and with whom the children stay.
With co-parenting, you can choose an equal division of care, for example by having the children stay with one parent one week and with the other parent the next week.
Examples of Agreements in a Parenting Plan
In addition to the mandatory agreements, other matters can be included in the parenting plan to ensure that the plan works well in practice. Consider the following:
- Agreements about contact with grandparents, family, or friends.
- Rules about healthcare, such as when and how often medication is administered.
- Norms and values that are important in upbringing, for example dietary guidelines or rules about screen time.
What can you do if there are problems with the parenting plan?
Life does not always go as you agreed on paper. It may happen that one of the parents does not fully adhere to the parenting plan, or that it is difficult to reach new agreements together when the situation changes.It is wise to include in advance in the parenting plan what you will do if you cannot work it out together. For example, consider engaging a mediator, such as via the MfN Register of Mediators, who can help in searching for a solution that both parties can agree on. A guided conversation often helps to prevent escalation and to find a compromise.If you can’t resolve it even with the help of a mediator, you can consider legal action as a last resort. But usually it’s enough to keep communicating openly and to be clear about whom you can call in when things stall.Children may have many questions or emotions after a divorce. Fortunately, there are various forms of support available to help them cope with these changes. For example, think of talk groups and workshops especially for children, offered by organizations such as Villa Pinedo or the Center for Youth and Family. Here children can share experiences with peers who are going through the same thing.In addition, schools often offer extra support, such as conversations with a confidential counselor or school social work. In some municipalities there are also child coaches or special discussion groups, where children learn to express their feelings and to deal with the new situation. This way they can get used to life after the divorce in their own way, with a helping hand when needed.
Does the Parenting Plan have to go to the court?
If you are married or have a registered partnership, the parenting plan must be submitted to the court together with the divorce petition. For cohabiting parents this is not mandatory, but it is wise to record the plan in a notarial deed to prevent possible conflicts later on.
What if agreements aren’t kept?
It can happen that one of the parents doesn’t adhere to the parenting plan or that it’s difficult to reach new agreements together. What can you do then?
- First try to talk to your ex-partner to find a solution together. Clear communication is often the key.
- If this doesn’t work, you can jointly bring in an independent mediator. A mediator helps restore agreements and look for workable solutions that both parties can accept.
- If the problems persist, you can ask the court to enforce or modify the agreements made.
Don’t be afraid to seek professional help. This prevents small conflicts from turning into bigger problems and keeps the children’s best interests central.
When and how do you sign the parenting plan?
Are all the agreements clear and neatly set out on paper? Then it’s time to sign together. You both sign the parenting plan to indicate that you agree to the arrangements made. With this signature, the plan is official and you both know exactly where you stand.It’s smart for both of you to keep a copy of the signed parenting plan. That way you can always look back at what you agreed—handy if your memory falters.Note: if you are married or have a registered partnership, the parenting plan must be submitted together with the divorce petition to the court to be sent. This goes through your lawyer or mediator. For cohabiting parents, there is no mandatory filing with the court, but a joint signature still provides clarity for the future.
Drafting a parenting plan with Arslan Advocaten
Drafting a good parenting plan can sometimes be difficult, especially when a lot of emotions are involved. At Arslan Attorneys we are happy to help you draw up a sound plan that takes into account the interests of the children and your family’s specific situation. Our family law attorneys have extensive experience guiding parents in making arrangements and formalizing a parenting plan that is both legally sound and practically workable.
Contact us today for a no-obligation consultation and discover how we can help you reach sound arrangements for your children.
