Cohabiting and separating: the home, money, debts and children

23 September 2026

Arslan Advocaten

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Cohabiting and separating: the home, money, debts and children

Are you separating without having been married or in a registered partnership? Then the rules for divorce do not automatically apply. Much of the financial settlement is determined by your ownership, your contracts, any cohabitation arrangements and general property law. Where children are involved, parenthood, parental authority and maintenance remain important in their own right. A cohabitation agreement can help, but it does not automatically resolve every problem.

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Written by Öznur Batur, attorney at Arslan Advocaten. Registered in the specialisation register of the Netherlands Bar (Nederlandse orde van advocaten) for personal status and family law and criminal law. Last updated: 19 September 2026. General information is not legal advice about your own situation.

Start with an overview of what is joint, what is personal and which obligations exist towards third parties. You can then make arrangements about the home, the accounts and the children. Below you will find a practical sequence and the points on which cohabitants often wrongly assume that the rules for spouses apply.

Cohabitation is not a marriage without a marriage certificate

Unmarried cohabitation does not automatically create a statutory community of property. Nor does it automatically give rise to a statutory claim to spousal maintenance or pension equalisation, as a marriage would. The parties may, however, have made arrangements on these matters, or other legal grounds may be relevant.

The length of the relationship does not simply change this starting point. Ten years of living together does not automatically make someone the owner of half of the other partner’s house. Payments, arrangements and legal ownership must each be examined separately.

The position of children is different: maintenance and responsibility can arise from legal parenthood and parental authority, regardless of marriage. So do not mix up the financial relationship between the partners with the rights of their children.

Read the cohabitation agreement in full

A cohabitation agreement may contain arrangements on household costs, joint assets, contributions, pension and termination. Read the definitions and conditions as well. A clause may, for example, apply only on death, or precisely when the cohabitation actually comes to an end.

Check how the agreement must be terminated and from what moment certain obligations cease. A moving date, a letter of termination and the date on which the relationship ended are not necessarily the same. That difference can matter for the final settlement.

Additional written arrangements, emails or demonstrable amendments may also be relevant. Do not rely solely on the first page or on an oral summary given by one partner. If necessary, request the full deed from the civil-law notary.

No agreement: which rules apply?

Without a cohabitation agreement, the general rules on ownership, contracts, joint ownership and obligations are what matter. There may, for example, be a jointly owned home or bank account. Arrangements may also be inferred from statements and conduct.

The absence of an agreement does not mean that every payment is lost for good. Nor does it mean that everything must be divided equally afterwards. A claim for repayment or compensation requires a specific legal basis.

The Supreme Court (Hoge Raad) has made clear that certain reimbursement rules for spouses are not automatically applied by analogy to informal cohabitants. So examine the actual arrangement and any possible general legal basis instead of borrowing a rule from marriage law.

The home belongs to one partner

If only one partner is the owner, the other partner has not automatically acquired a share in the ownership by living there. Payments towards a renovation or the mortgage may, however, raise questions about a loan, an arrangement or another claim.

Distinguish between contributions to ordinary housing and household costs and investments for which repayment or a division of assets was agreed. The description of a bank payment, correspondence and the background to the payment can be important.

The use of the home must also be settled carefully. Who may stay and what period for leaving is reasonable or legally possible depends on the legal relationship and the circumstances. Do not change the locks or remove belongings on your own initiative without having the other partner’s position assessed.

The home is jointly owned

With joint ownership, partners usually have to choose between a buy-out, a sale or remaining co-owners for the time being. The deed of transfer, the mortgage and any arrangements about contributions are the starting point. Not every jointly owned house belongs to both partners in equal shares.

A buy-out requires more than agreement on the value. The partner taking over the home must be able to arrange financing and, where necessary, the other partner must be released from liability for the mortgage. The bank is not automatically bound by your arrangement between yourselves.

Work with a valuation, reasonable deadlines and a fallback scenario in case financing fails. More on this can be found in your ex refuses to sell or buy out the home.

What if you rent together?

With a tenancy, it must be established who the contractual tenant is, whether there is joint tenancy and which arrangements with the landlord apply. Merely being registered at the address does not automatically make someone a joint tenant. Nor does paying the rent together always give the same legal position.

An arrangement between partners that one of them will stay does not automatically release the departing contracting party from obligations towards the landlord. So ask for the arrangement to be properly recorded and, where necessary, confirmed by the landlord concerned.

Specific tenancy law rules may apply to the allocation, continuation or termination of a tenancy. So do not let a housing dispute be treated solely as a division of belongings. Incorrect termination can affect the housing position of both partners.

Your own money in the home or renovation

A common dispute arises when one partner uses savings for a home owned by the other. The paying partner expects repayment later, while the owner sees the payment as a contribution to their life together.

Examine what was agreed beforehand and how the payment was made. A loan agreement, payment description, quotation and messages about repayment can help. The purpose of the money and the extent to which the other partner benefited from it may also be relevant to a possible legal basis.

An increase in the value of the home is not automatically equal to the amount that can be reclaimed. Nor is every expense fully recoverable because the relationship has ended. Have the claim assessed item by item and take evidence and limitation periods into account.

Joint accounts and household costs

On an agreed date, draw up an overview of balances, direct debits and ongoing obligations. Agree which account will remain open temporarily for necessary payments and when it will be closed or changed.

The name in which an account is held does not always give the full answer as to who is entitled to the balance between the partners. The source of the money and any arrangements may be relevant. So do not empty the account without consultation just because you technically have access.

Check subscriptions, insurance policies, energy contracts and taxes. A division of tasks between you does not automatically change who the contracting party is. Report changes correctly and keep the confirmations, so that it is clear afterwards from when an obligation ended or was taken over.

Debts: dividing them internally is not the same as release

A creditor looks at the agreement and the applicable law. If both partners signed a loan, an arrangement that one partner will pay it from now on does not simply release the other partner towards the bank.

So distinguish external liability from the internal obligation to bear the debt. Partners can agree between themselves who bears which share, but release towards the creditor often requires the creditor’s separate cooperation. Without that step, the other partner may still be held liable and then have to seek recourse internally.

Request an up-to-date overview of loans, credit facilities and arrears. Also check guarantees and business obligations. A relationship breakdown is a logical moment to bring such risks into the open, not to leave them undiscussed on the basis of trust.

Is spousal maintenance payable?

After purely unmarried cohabitation, there is no automatic statutory obligation to pay spousal maintenance of the kind that exists after divorce. A contractual arrangement on financial support can, however, be significant. So read the cohabitation agreement and any additional arrangements.

A large difference in income, or years of working less for the sake of the family, does not in itself create a statutory maintenance claim for former cohabitants. Such circumstances may, however, be relevant to other, specifically substantiated claims or to negotiations.

Child maintenance is a separate matter. A parent may be obliged to pay maintenance for the child, even without marriage and even if no contribution is owed to the former partner. Set out those amounts and their legal grounds separately.

Children: check parenthood and parental authority

When a relationship breaks down, it must be clear who is the legal parent and who has parental authority. Acknowledgement of paternity and parental authority are not the same in every situation. The date of acknowledgement and the changes that took effect in 2023 may be relevant.

Parents with joint parental authority who separate must, in the situations designated by law, make arrangements in a parenting plan. Even where the formal obligation is different in a specific situation, concrete arrangements on care, information and costs are often necessary.

Do not make the child responsible for the practical settlement. Involve the child in an appropriate way in arrangements that affect their daily life. A disagreement about the home must not be fought out through contact or maintenance.

Care arrangement and child maintenance

Make a workable arrangement for school weeks, weekends, holidays and handovers. Describe who shares which information and how important decisions are taken. An arrangement that the parents will do ‘everything in consultation’ is often insufficient when consultation is precisely the problem.

Child maintenance is assessed on the basis of need and ability to pay. Even with roughly equal care, different incomes or fixed costs can lead to a contribution. Use a traceable calculation rather than an arbitrary amount.

For a complete explanation, you can use the articles on the parenting plan and child maintenance.

Pension, death and beneficiary designations

Cohabitants are not automatically covered by the same statutory pension equalisation as spouses. There may, however, be arrangements about pension, or a pension scheme may provide a partner’s pension. Check registration, the scheme rules and any deregistration after the breakdown.

Also review wills, beneficiary designations under insurance policies and powers of attorney. Ending a relationship does not automatically change every document. Some changes require the civil-law notary, the insurer or the pension provider.

Do not settle for the assumption that ‘everything was linked to living together’. Ask, for each product, which event must be reported, which rights remain in place and which choice must be recorded in writing.

Draw up a single settlement agreement

A good agreement states the relevant end date, the route chosen for the home, the division of balances and belongings, debts and any reimbursement claims. Specify which arrangements still depend on a bank, landlord or civil-law notary.

Avoid a general final discharge before it is clear which items have been examined. Such a clause may be intended to close everything off, but it can lead to disputes if an important debt or claim was not included. Have its scope explained to you.

For children, arrangements cannot be fixed permanently without limit at the expense of their statutory position. So keep the settlement between the partners legally distinct from the arrangements on maintenance or parental authority.

If agreement cannot be reached

A lawyer can assess whether enforcement of a contract, division of joint assets, payment of a claim or a family law application is needed. Not every element is automatically dealt with in a single set of proceedings.

Identify any urgency: imminent payment arrears, a sale date, a departure or a necessary decision for a child may call for a separate approach. Also explain which solutions you have already proposed and why they did not work.

Proceedings do not guarantee that every outcome perceived as unfair can be corrected. The legal basis and the evidence remain decisive. That is precisely why an early overview of arrangements, ownership and payments helps.

Example: renovation money without a clear arrangement

In a fictitious situation, Mila pays for a kitchen in her partner’s home. She believes she will get the amount back if they split up. Her partner believes the payment is a contribution to the joint household. There is no specific loan agreement.

In the settlement, quotations, bank payments and messages are examined. These may show whether repayment was agreed or whether another legal basis needs to be assessed. The marital rule on reimbursement rights cannot simply be borrowed because the parties lived together for a long time.

The example shows why a payment and a claim are not the same thing. Clear arrangements in advance help, but afterwards, too, what the parties said and did must be examined carefully.

Choosing an end date without confusing rights

Partners often name different moments as the end of the relationship: the conversation in which the breakup was expressed, moving out of the home or the formal termination of the agreement. A different moment may be relevant for separate arrangements. So do not fix a single date without examining what it will be used for.

For example, set an administrative cut-off date for household costs and a separate date for the transfer of the home. State which payments continue between those moments. This makes clear why a partner still pays a certain contribution after moving out and whether it will be settled later.

Also check the consequences for public bodies and contracting parties. A notification to the municipality does not automatically end a tenancy agreement, an insurance policy or a joint loan. Verify for each agreement which change is needed and keep the confirmation.

Dividing belongings with a verifiable list

Draw up an inventory of goods with enough value or significance to make an arrangement about. Note who claims to be the owner, what evidence is available and who wants to keep the item. A full valuation is not worthwhile for every household item.

For goods bought jointly, a practical division with a reasonable financial adjustment can work. Use realistic second-hand values rather than automatically using the original purchase price. An item of great sentimental value need not be worth much financially; discuss those two aspects separately.

Record the actual handover: date, location and any help with transport. Make arrangements about personal documents and digital data stored on shared devices. Do not hand over passwords to private accounts as a substitute for a targeted transfer of shared information.

If one partner is withholding belongings, first examine ownership and the available route. Entering the home yourself or taking goods on the basis of your own list can cause new conflicts. Depending on the circumstances, a clear written demand or proceedings may be necessary.

An inventory also helps with the final settlement. State which goods have been definitively divided and which remain the subject of discussion. This prevents a general arrangement about ‘the household contents’ from later being interpreted differently because valuable or personal items were not discussed separately.

Frequently asked questions

Does everything automatically become joint after living together for a long time?

No. Cohabitation does not automatically create a community of property. Ownership, agreements and any other claims must be established separately.

Can I terminate my cohabitation agreement myself?

Check the termination clause and its consequences. Some steps require a particular form or notice. Moreover, termination does not automatically settle the home, the debts and the children.

Am I entitled to spousal maintenance?

Not automatically on the same statutory basis as after divorce. A specific contractual arrangement may, however, be relevant. Child maintenance must be distinguished from this.

Will I get my renovation money back?

That depends on the arrangements, the evidence and the applicable legal basis. A payment towards the other partner’s home does not in itself give a right to repayment or to a share in the increase in value.

Do we have to make a parenting plan?

Where there is joint parental authority and the cohabitation ends, there is an obligation in the situation designated by law. Have parenthood and parental authority checked. Concrete arrangements are also important in practice where the formal position is different.

Which documents help at the first meeting?

Bring contracts, documents relating to the home, account statements and a list of the points in dispute. Through family law at Arslan, you can have the appropriate settlement and any proceedings assessed.