Money you lent to your partner during a relationship may still have to be repaid after the relationship has ended. What counts is what you agreed and what you can prove. The end of a relationship does not retrospectively turn a gift into a loan. Conversely, a genuine obligation to repay does not disappear because you were partners at the time or did not charge interest.
Nederlands: Lees dit artikel in het Nederlands: Geld terugvorderen van uw ex-partner bij een lening of schenking
Türkçe: Bu makaleyi Türkçe okuyun: Borç veya bağış halinde eski partnerinizden paranızı geri istemek
The first step is therefore to distinguish between money that was lent, gifts, household expenses and investments in the other person’s property. The form of your relationship also matters: unmarried cohabitation, marriage and a registered partnership do not have the same consequences under property law. In addition, any arrangement about money must be read alongside a cohabitation agreement, a prenuptial agreement or a divorce settlement concluded later.
This blog is about a claim between former partners. Do you and your ex have a joint loan with a bank, and is your ex failing to pay their share? Then the rights of that bank also come into play. You can read more about this under a joint loan after a divorce or separation.
Start with the reason for each payment
After a break-up, it is tempting to draw up one large bill of everything one partner paid for the other. Legally, that rarely works. Paying for a holiday may have a different legal basis from money paid towards a private debt. And a monthly contribution to the groceries need not mean the same thing as a one-off transfer for a car.
So make an overview for each payment. State the date, the amount, the purpose, the account holder and the arrangement that went with it. List any amounts you received back next to it. Only then group together what genuinely falls under the same loan. This shows which amounts are sufficiently substantiated and which are mainly linked to the normal sharing of costs during the relationship.
That overview also helps if your ex brings a claim against you. You do not have to dispute every payment in the same way. Perhaps you acknowledge a loan for the car, while another payment was demonstrably a birthday present. A specific defence for each item is more convincing than the general statement that you simply helped each other out during the relationship.
Listing your items: legal basis and evidence
What you can claim back does not depend on the total amount, but on the reason why you paid at the time. So start by putting your items into this table.
| Type of payment | Example | Legal basis for reclaiming | What do you have to prove? | Chance of success |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Loan | € 8,000 for your ex’s car | Performance of the loan agreement (Article 7:129 of the Dutch Civil Code (BW)) | That repayment was agreed: messages, the description on the bank transfer, repayments | Good, provided you can make the agreement plausible |
| Gift or present | Birthday present, holiday | None. In principle, you cannot reclaim a completed gift | Not applicable | Small, except where the gift is revoked on special grounds |
| Household costs | Groceries, energy, rent, streaming services | In principle none. These costs are deemed to have been absorbed by living together | A different arrangement, or a heavily unequal split combined with an agreed settlement of accounts | Small without an arrangement |
| Investment in an asset of your ex | Renovation of the home, contribution to the business | Loan, agreed compensation, unjust enrichment (Article 6:212 BW) or undue payment (Article 6:203 BW) | The impoverishment, the enrichment, the link between them and the absence of a reasonable justification | Varies: compensation is capped at the lower of the impoverishment and the enrichment |
| Payment of a debt of your ex | You pay his or her fine or tax assessment | Right of recourse or undue payment | That the debt was his or hers and that you paid it | Good, with proof of payment |
| Joint purchase | Sofa, car, kitchen that you bought together | Division of the jointly owned asset | Each person’s contribution and the arrangement on ownership | Good, but this concerns division, not repayment |
When is there a loan?
A loan of money presupposes an obligation to repay. A written agreement is strong evidence, but a loan that has been made can also have been agreed orally. Messages such as “I’m lending you this until your bonus comes in” or “I’ll pay you back €200 every month” may be relevant here. The rules on loans of money can be found in Book 7 of the Dutch Civil Code.
Look at the arrangement as a whole. Depending on the context, “you’ll get it back some day” may be a specific obligation, but it may also be a casual remark without any worked-out terms. Who took the initiative, what was the money used for, and was there later any discussion of a balance or repayment? The legal meaning follows from what the parties could reasonably understand from each other.
Interest is not required for there to be a loan. Partners can lend each other money interest-free. Moreover, for a private loan, contractual interest must be agreed in writing. The argument “there was no interest, so it was a gift” is therefore too simplistic. Nor does the absence of an end date automatically determine whether there is a loan.
When can you not reclaim a gift?
With a gift, the very intention is to benefit the other person without any obligation to repay. This may have been agreed expressly or may follow from the circumstances. A birthday present, or a message in which you write that the other person may keep the amount, can play a role in that assessment. Being disappointed in the relationship afterwards does not in itself change the original intention.
Conditions may be attached to a gift. In that case, it is important to establish the exact condition and the evidence for it. A personal expectation that you would stay together forever is not automatically a legally agreed condition for repayment. So write down not only what you hoped, but what was actually discussed with and accepted by the other person.
In cases of mistake, fraud, undue influence or another ground for challenging the legal act, other questions may arise. These require concrete facts. The mere fact that the relationship ended badly is not a general ground for annulment. An assessment starts with the original arrangement and the circumstances in which you provided the money.
Who has to prove the arrangement?
If you claim repayment on the basis of a loan, you must sufficiently substantiate the facts on which that loan rests. If this is disputed with reasons, the allocation of the burden of proof under Article 150 of the Dutch Code of Civil Procedure (Rv) applies in principle. A bank transfer shows that money was paid, but does not in itself prove that it was lent. The payment description and the communication surrounding it are therefore important.
An acknowledgement of debt can carry a lot of weight. Think of an email in which your ex confirms the outstanding amount or asks for a delay in repayment. Actual repayments can also support the alleged loan. Note whether the other person described such a payment as a repayment or instead claims it related to an entirely different matter.
Keep conversations in full. Separate screenshots can give the impression that the context is missing. State who took part and when the conversation took place. If important arrangements were only made orally, check whether anyone else was present. A witness who heard the conversation first-hand is in a different position from someone who heard your account later.
Living together is not the same as being married
Informally cohabiting partners do not automatically have the same rules on reimbursement rights as spouses. In ECLI:NL:HR:2019:707, the Supreme Court of the Netherlands (Hoge Raad) emphasised that matrimonial property law is not simply applied by analogy to cohabitants. Agreements and the general law of obligations are then important points of reference.
This does not mean that a cohabitant can never get money back. A loan, an arrangement on costs or another agreement may provide a legal basis. Sometimes undue payment, unjust enrichment or special circumstances come into play. Each legal basis has its own requirements. A lawyer must therefore explain why your particular payment gives rise to a claim.
In a marriage or registered partnership, the applicable matrimonial property regime must also be examined. Whose money was it, which estate did the debt fall into, and when was the payment made? A prenuptial agreement and arrangements made on divorce may be decisive. A bank account in one name does not always mean that all the money in it was exclusively separate property.
Household costs are not automatically recoverable
During a relationship, partners often pay according to their means or according to a fixed split. One pays the rent, the other the groceries and transport. The fact that the amounts later turn out not to be exactly equal does not mean the difference is a loan. A cohabitation agreement may contain rules on household costs, settlement of accounts and claiming a contribution in good time.
Distinguish between day-to-day expenses and a demonstrable advance with an agreement to repay. “I’ll pay your share this month, you pay me back next month” may mean something different from voluntarily paying a larger share for years without making any arrangements about it. The context determines how a payment should be understood.
Joint holidays, presents and expenses for children also need to be characterised carefully. Do not use proceedings about a loan as a general settling of accounts for the relationship. That makes it harder to assess the items that are properly substantiated. For the wider division, we refer to divorce and debts.
Money in your ex’s home or business
Did you pay for a renovation or put your own money into your partner’s home? Then the first question is whether a loan was agreed. Without such an arrangement, there may be another ground for compensation, but contributing to payments does not automatically make you a co-owner. Nor does an investment automatically entitle you to a percentage of the current value of the home.
Keep invoices, payments, ownership records and arrangements about what would happen on a sale or separation. Payment to a building contractor can demonstrate an investment in the home, but does not yet show which claim between the two of you was intended. We deal with this topic separately under money invested in a partner’s home.
With a business, identifying the correct debtor is also important. Did you lend to your partner personally, to their sole proprietorship or to a private limited company (bv)? A bv is a separate legal entity from your ex. The fact that your partner was its director does not automatically make him personally liable for the bv’s debt.
When does your ex have to repay?
The agreed date or event is the starting point. If it is established that repayment would take place on the sale of a car or home, it must be examined whether that event has occurred and what the parties intended. A break-up is only automatically a moment of payment if that follows from the arrangement or the applicable legal framework.
If no other time for repayment follows from the agreement, the six-week period of Article 7:129e of the Dutch Civil Code may apply after you give notice that you are calling in the loan. An arrangement to repay as soon as the borrower is able to do so requires its own assessment. For older agreements, the applicable transitional law must also be considered.
A demand for immediate payment of everything may therefore be premature. Conversely, you do not have to wait indefinitely for vague promises. Ask for written confirmation of the arrangements and have the question of when the loan is due assessed before sending a final letter of demand. This avoids proceedings in which the debate focuses mainly on the wrong payment term.
A settlement or final discharge can make a difference
If you have already signed a settlement agreement or divorce settlement after the break-up, read it before bringing a new claim. A clause stating that the parties have no further claims against each other may affect an old loan. Its scope depends on the wording and on the circumstances in which the agreement was concluded.
A specific reservation can keep a loan outside the final settlement. For example, where it is clearly recorded that no agreement has yet been reached on a specific amount. An oral reservation alongside a broadly worded written discharge may later be difficult to prove. So have the outstanding issue included in the document in a recognisable way.
If negotiations are still ongoing, make arrangements per topic: the home, the loan, household costs and any other claims. State which amount is being settled definitively and which items remain open. A clear agreement prevents the same payment from later being claimed again under a different name.
Limitation and preserving your claim
A claim against an ex can also become time-barred. The limitation period does not start running in the same way for every payment or break-up. When the claim became due, the nature of the claim, acknowledgement and interruption may be decisive. In addition, special rules apply to spouses and registered partners that do not simply apply to informal cohabitants.
A conversation about a possible settlement does not always offer sufficient protection. Where necessary, record your claim in writing in good time and keep proof of receipt. A notice interrupting the limitation period must make the claim sufficiently recognisable and clearly reserve your right to performance. If in doubt, have the wording and the date checked.
Do not wait until all other relationship issues have been resolved. You can send a businesslike letter about the loan while other topics are still being discussed. Further explanation can be found under limitation and due date of a private loan. A limitation period that has already expired is not undone by any later letter.
From a well-substantiated letter to a suitable solution
Start with a short, factual letter. Identify the loan, the advance of the money, the repayments, the remaining debt and the ground on which it is due. Enclose only relevant documents. Ask your ex to state specifically which item is disputed and why. Personal reproaches generally do not help in assessing the payment obligation.
A payment arrangement or mediation can be worthwhile if both parties want to finalise the financial settlement. Record the balance and the payment dates clearly. Also have it stated whether and when a final discharge applies. The arrangement must be workable; an unachievable schedule only solves the problem temporarily, on paper.
If payment is still not made, legal proceedings can be considered. Evidence, the size of the claim, costs and the prospects of recovery all play a role. A debt collection letter or a threat of attachment is no substitute for that assessment. If there are concrete indications that assets are being moved or there is other urgency, a lawyer can examine which interim measure is legally appropriate.
A joint account requires an extra breakdown
With payments from a joint account, it is not always immediately clear whose money was used and which arrangement on repayment applied. So also gather the deposits into that account. A transfer to your ex may have come from your separate assets, but also from money intended for joint expenses.
Make an overview in which you state the source, the destination and the arrangement separately. The name in which the account is held does not in itself tell you how each payment between partners should be settled. The same applies if you both had access to each other’s account or bank card.
Check whether the amount has already been included in an earlier settlement. For example, in the division of savings, the sale of a car or the settlement of housing costs. Otherwise, the same payment may unintentionally be claimed twice. That risk arises mainly when different advisers deal with separate parts of the break-up.
A clear calculation therefore states not only what you once paid, but also which amounts you later received and what arrangements were made about them. Send your lawyer the complete statement of account and not only the items that support your claim. This makes clear which real financial dispute remains after the earlier arrangements.
Does this apply to you? See our approach to a dispute about a loan of money, including within a relationship.
Frequently asked questions
My ex says everything was a gift: what now?
Make an overview and explain for each amount why repayment was agreed. Look for messages from before the payment, acknowledgements afterwards and repayments received. A mere denial by your ex is not decisive, but you must be able to substantiate your own legal basis. Different payments may lead to different outcomes.
Can I reclaim a loan without a written contract?
Yes, an oral loan that has been made can be valid. The lack of a written contract mainly makes proof more difficult. Bank statements, messages, witnesses and how the parties behaved afterwards can all be relevant. See also money lent without a contract.
Does the loan become due as soon as we separate?
Not automatically. That depends on the arrangements and the applicable law. Sometimes the break-up is expressly named as the moment of payment; sometimes a date or a sale was agreed instead. If no other time for repayment applies, the statutory rules on calling in a loan may apply. Have this established before sending a letter of demand.
Can I set off my claim against other payments?
Set-off is subject to conditions, including that the parties owe each other reciprocally, and the nature of the claims and whether they are due. You cannot simply stop every payment to your ex because you believe you are owed money yourself. Extra care is needed with maintenance and other special obligations. Have the specific set-off assessed.
Am I entitled to the increase in value of a car or home that was bought?
With an ordinary loan, a sum of money is in principle repaid in accordance with the arrangement. Sharing in an increase in value does not automatically follow from that. Ownership, an investment arrangement or an applicable right to reimbursement may lead to a different assessment. So also keep documents about the purchase, the ownership and the agreed financial settlement.
Is it worth going to court if my ex has no money?
That requires weighing things up. A legal claim and actually being able to recover the money are different matters. Look at income, assets, other debts and the expected costs. Sometimes a realistic arrangement is better; sometimes an enforceable judgment is still useful. A lawyer can discuss both sides of that choice with you.
Having your financial arrangement assessed
Arslan Advocaten can assess which payments can be substantiated as a loan or another claim, and how they fit within the settlement of your relationship. We also look at the position of the person against whom the claim is made. Send an overview, the most important messages and any relationship agreements when you get in touch. For related relationship issues, you can turn to our family law practice.
Written by Onur Arslan, attorney at Arslan Advocaten and responsible within the firm for the financial practice: credit registrations, loans of money and disputes with lenders. Registered in the specialisation register of the Netherlands Bar (Nederlandse orde van advocaten) for employment law and personal injury. Substantively reviewed on 12 September 2026 against the statutory text on wetten.overheid.nl and the cited judgments on rechtspraak.nl.
